Who am I to be saying all of this? I get it, you might be wondering by now, “Who are you to say that you can help people heal themselves? , What's YOUR story?" I am so glad that you asked, I would LOVE to tell you my story.
Early Beginnings I was born and raised in Southern California in the city of torrance. I was raised by a single mother who worked extremely hard to support my brother, grandma and I. My father had an affair with another woman and left our family when I was three months old. I spent a large portion of my life trying to figure out why he didn’t want us, and struggled with abandonment issues for many years of my life. I later realized that it was such a gift, for I would not be the man I am today if that event did not happen. I was a lonely, isolated child. I loved women’s gymnastics, calligraphy, drawing She-ra characters, and playing the piano. I collected my little pony dolls, and always chose the McDonald’s Happy Meals that came with the girls toys. I dressed up in my mother’s clothes and wore press on nails when no one was around. I knew I was different, and all of the things I loved most I had to do in secret because it was not acceptable for boys to do at the time. I used to get bullied, called a faggot, gay, all sorts of traumatizing names a child should never hear. I started to resent myself and the world, and that resentment grew the older I got. Depression I suffered from depression since I was a teen and quickly got put on anti-depressants at age 15. I had social anxiety in high-school and could barely leave my house. I used to cut myself in search of some way to transmute the infinite sadness I had inside of me into the physical world which I could understand. I also went to great measures to get my mother’s attention, who was busy working her tail off trying to support us. From the age of 15 to about about 30, a dense, grey cloud completely covered the skies of my mind, and the only thing that would make them go away, were drugs, alcohol, shopping and sex. Addiction I discovered drugs and alcohol when I was 15. It was like a moth to a flame. It was the only thing that would bury my shame, forgive the people who have deeply hurt and abandoned me, and made sense of my “disaster” of a life. I drank and smoked pot almost daily from the age of 15-31. I had abused a myriad of different drugs, from cocaine to crystal meth, and xanax to vicodin and everything in-between. Towards the end of my addiction/alcoholism I found myself taking shots before driving, going to the gym, and before work. My life had gotten to a point of desperation that the only thing that could make me happy was running away from it. Coming out of the closet I knew at an early age I was gay. Even before I knew what sexuality was I knew I liked boys. Growing up in the 80’s where there was no internet, and barely any information I found it really challenging to understand what was happening to me. Being gay seemed like a mental illness. I had learned in church that God hates gay people and I was surely going to burn for it . I had girlfriends, and pretended for many years that I was something I was not, and that psychologically took its toll on me as well. I eventually found gay friends, went to gay clubs and learned being myself wasn’t going to send me straight to hell. Vision Loss When I was 18, I got diagnosed with a really bad eye infection. The doctors thought it was simply conjunctivitis, a common infection. I kept getting infections one right after the other and I was instructed to k out of the care at one of the best corneal specialists in the country at USC. He theorized that the cause of my chronic infections was a virus. They treated me will pills and eye drops, but nothing seemed to work. Every six months or so I would get another eye infection, each one getting worse and worse. It was a mystery to the doctors of why my body was rejecting the medicine, and why my immune system couldn’t fight the virus. Some infections left me incapacitated for months, not being able to work, drive, even go into the sun because the sensitivity to the light was so bad. There was a constant feeling that my eyes were literally on fire and I often felt hopeless, isolated, and unable to participate in any activities with my friends. Every time I got an eye infection, it left a severe scar on my cornea which permanently took a piece of my eyesight away causing partial vision loss. I see double vision, halos, and can no longer drive at night. I lived in fear everyday that I would keep getting infections until I eventually went blind. I even started to make plans of how I would live my life if I was blind. My drinking helped calm my fears, and the drinking also provoked the virus to flare up. I was stuck in this perpetual cycle of self-sabotage and had no idea of how to get out of it. Through this experience I learned what it takes not to give up. To seek, search, and find the answers within and dig myself out of my own grave. This is why I believe 100% that most illness are caused by what we eat, and how we think. Psychosomatic illness and a bad diet littered with drugs and alcohol had done such damage to my body, and even years after I got sober I still endured the healing process. My First Rock Bottom One day I woke up and my eyes were completely foggy with a white, translucent haze. It looked like there was white tissue paper over my corneas. I couldn't read the text on my phone, I couldn't read my computer, It scared me so bad that I got on my knees and prayed to whoever was there to save me. I had to cancel all of my jobs that month because I simply could not see. It was one of the scariest times in my life and that was the last time that I had a drop of alcohol. That was the beginning to taking back the control in my life. My career as Hair and Makeup Artist I was an extremely successful agency represented celebrity hair and makeup artist for 12 years. I have worked with mega names in the entertainment industry and had created a great reputation for myself. Success was a double-edged sword to me, and I sacrificed all of my personal time, my self-care, my friends, my family, and everyone in-between to achieve my dreams. The day to day stress and pressure to deliver was simply unbearable. I allowed myself to work in a dog-eat-dog industry where manipulation, lying, opportunistic betrayal, mental abuse, and vanity ruled. I received a job opportunity in New York and packed up my life and moved cross-country. Little did I know what was in store for me.My New York experience was full of mental and physical illnesses that really hit me hard. I was the beauty director for a photo agency at the time and was working in a photo studio five days a week. I was making the most money I had ever made in my life, but also the sickest I have ever been and almost every aspect of my health was suffering. Insomnia During my stay in New York, I developed a really bad case of insomnia. I was unable to sleep for about three years, averaging about 2-5 hours a night of broken sleep. It had begun to spin my body out of control and I was experiencing health symptoms that I couldn’t explain. I would toss and turn in my bed for hours. I took benadryl, unisom, and melatonin to try and get a couple hours of sleep. I forced myself to put on a happy face everyday when I was just truly miserable and suffering inside. I went to two sleep studies to see if they could help me, which they couldn’t. I went to healers, naturopaths, and eventually got prescribed prescription sleeping medicine. The medicine they prescribed slowly gave me horrific side effects. I would do things that I didn’t remember, have thoughts of hurting myself and others, and I thought I was going insane and needed to commit myself to a mental facility. I continued to struggle until i hit my second rock bottom. Anxiety Attacks Working in the fast paced fashion industry, where the work never ended, nothing was ever good enough, and expectations are nearly impossible to ever meet. I was having daily anxiety attacks where it felt like i was literally having a heart attack and couldn’t catch my breath. I was meditating twice a day, for 20 minutes at a time and that still didn’t make it go away. I had to realize that it was the environment, industry and starving myself of what my soul needed that I had created a constant state of panic for myself. Dry Eye Syndrome Irritable Bowel Syndrome I had irritable bowel syndrome for six months and had to go to the bathroom anytime I ate something and had constant stabbing pains in my stomach that was just unbearable. I went to the emergency one room and was diagnosed with colitis. They gave me medication and it eventually got better, but then turned into constipation which was equally as unbearable. I found myself in the emergency room yet again with what the doctors said was again colitis. Now I was facing the idea that this was more serious, possibly crohn's disease. I kept asking myself “why is this all happening to me, what have i don’t to deserve this?” Chronic Fatigue I also suffered from chronic fatigue, and was so tired all I could do after work and on the weekends was try to rest up and muster enough energy for the next week. Everyday was a struggle just to get out of bed, go to work, do my best and pretend everything was ok. Toxic work environment I was the beauty director for a large photo agency that shot high volume ecommerce clients 5 days a week. I calculated that I was exposed to about 96,000 flashes a month and that was slowly driving me to a mental breakdown. The environment was unbearably toxic to me, but I forced myself to endure it because I was making the most money in my life. Everyone was just miserable and there wasn’t a person there whom I didn’t daydream with about one day leaving the whole industry altogether. The photo agency withheld my checks for 8 months, and their accounting service did not respond to any emails or phone calls. This was abuse and I allowed to continue years. Battling IBS, depression, anxiety, chronic dry eye, chronic fatigue and insomnia, I just cracked and had a nervous breakdown. I remember the day so vividly. I told myself, “I just can’t continue like this, and I am willing to do EVERYTHING possible to heal myself, including letting go of the job that was furnishing my dream salary, in the city that I always wanted to live in. I called into work and spoke with my superiors and I told them I was having a nervous breakdown and needed to seek help. I had driven my body into the ground over the years chasing my dream and I knew I couldn't continue. It was at that moment that I got on my knees and I prayed. I prayed to who ever was listening and said I was ready for a change, ready to surrender to the universe and start taking care of myself. They gave me two weeks off and offered me a part time schedule. I tried it out for three months but it still wasn’t enough. I had to pull the plug, I had to take a giant leap of faith and rip out everything in my life that was giving me “security,” because those things were the cause of my unhappiness, lack of self-care, and mental fatigue. I told myself, “Being jobless in with no security net in New York City is better than me being in this physically and mentally abusive toxic environment that I was putting myself in everyday." I realized it was only myself that could take me out of the situation, so i did. I gave my two weeks notice, and once I quit my job and didn't look back. I had toyed with the idea of leaving my hair and makeup for many years, and I knew my time was up in that industry. I was sick as a dog and I knew deep down inside that I needed to start making drastic changes if I wanted to have drastic results. I quit my career of twelve years. I hired business and life coaches to help me heal myself and to teach me their ways. I moved back to Los Angeles and went from living in an amazing apartment making incredible money, to making no income and living with a friend. I got rid of all of my stuff and just kept the bare essentials that I needed on my new journey. I let go of all of the friends and family that were holding me down. I cut the psychic cords with my parents and stopped searching for their constant approval. I learned how to say NO, and stepped into my power and greatness. All of my symptoms started to get better, literally overnight. PERIOD.
THE LIGHTBULB FINALLY WENT OFF IN MY HEAD. I had been asleep "living" my life. My old approach to life was causing me more harm than good and I was living in my own world of blame, victimhood, resentment, and pain. The real reasons I was so sick was really simple. IT WAS ME that was the reason I was getting and staying sick. I started to set healthy boundaries for myself. I started to exercise my right to say “no” I created a stable foundation in my spiritual life and what i personally believe in. I created healthy daily practices I did all of the deep shadow work that I needed to set me free. I redefined my relationship with money. I programmed my mind and let go of all of the shame, guilt and resentments in my life. I hired coaches to help me and I dug myself out of my own grave one thought at a time. Day in and day out I did the heavy lifting of looking honestly to myself and change what was causing me pain and harm. I realized that I needed to put myself through the school of life, become a student, and reach out and grab all of the things i wanted..
Life Today Life today is a complete 180. I moved out of New York City to beautiful sunny Los Angeles where my heart feels at home and am living life to the fullest. I make sure everything in my life brings me joy, laughter, and serves my life’s purpose. I cut all of the cords of all the people, places and things that were holding me back and feel light with love, My health has improved by leaps and bounds. I haven't had a drop of alcohol in 4 years. I have not had an eye infection in many years and my vision is better than ever. I do have permanent scarring and vision loss. I can no longer drive at night. I see halos, double vision and is very difficult for me to see fine print and fine detail. Some days my eyes are hazy and blurry, some days they’re the best they have ever been. I’m ok with that. I’m more than ok with that. I am grateful to have my eyesight and my story will help to inspire many people and teach them not to view their gifts as limitations.
My sleep is longer, deeper, and more restorative. My heart isn’t constantly racing with anxiety The intense feeling of depression and hopelessness has lifted from my life.
My connection to my family, friends, work, money, and life itself has done a 180 and I feel like a new man. My diet is very clean and I honor the food I eat everyday. I have learned that everything we put in our mouths either makes us more sick, or puts us on the road to healing.
I am the most important person In my life. It's ok for me to be selfish with my time and energy. I am fully expressed and say what I am thinking and feeling. I no longer people please, live in the past, or play the victim role. I can identify a healthy situation when it presents itself and I run far away from it. Life no longer happens to me, it happens FOR me. I wake up everyday and am so excited of what the world has to offer me, because I now I live in an abundant world where spirit and the universe just wants me to succeed. I would have never dreamed that I would be come the man I am today, and I still have a lot more goals and growing to accomplish. I feel free in many ways that I was chained for decades. I love myself and my life
Take the leap of faith and take control of your life. What’s waiting on the other side of fear is beyond your wildest imagination, and only you can unlock it.
Are you ready to take control of your life and align yourself with your true purpose?
Are you ready to let go of the resentment, fear, anxiety, insomnia and pain?
Are you ready to let go of guilt, blame, shame, resentment and fear and walk in love and gratitude?
Are you ready to take responsability of your greatness and reach out and grab anything that you want? If the answer is a big YES, reach out for more info, I would love to walk your new journey with you.